Death Becomes You
by Raphshell
Summary: What if you were afraid to show someone how you really felt before it was to late? What would you do if you had that second chance? Warnings: Character Death. Turtlecest.
1. love and loss

Disclaimer: I don't own them. I wish I did though…

Part 1 - Love and Loss

_Donatello_

My hands trembled as I stood at the front entrance of my home. My life had already been altered so drastically, I knew that there was no going back to the normal, or at least semi-normal, life I had come to know.

I placed my hands up against the steel doorway, and pressed my feverish cheek against it, I took pleasure in the sharp coolness, and the momentary relief it brought me. I almost laughed in hysteria. Relief. Pleasure. Were those even appropriate emotions to be feeling right now? In the crazy life of mutants, living underground in secret, trained in the art of Ninjitsu, usually those feelings came after a horrible situation had come to a happy conclusion, and our family got to go home at the end of the day, together as a team.

No, the past, along with all its laughter, anger, fights, pranks, adventures, and all the wonderful things that went along with living amongst those I love more than life itself had already began to fade from my mind. It was as if someone had simply wiped away all those things, with a simple swipe of an eraser across a chalkboard, and all I was left with was the remnants of chalk dust that had settled on the wooden ledge below, and in its place was the knowledge of what was to come for me and my family. But how long would it be before their world was turned upside down along with my own? If they had gotten home before me then would it be only a mere few seconds? If there were still out, then what would it be? 20 minutes? An hour?

When I was younger I was close to all my brothers. My relationship with each of my brothers was unique but all equally important. Leonardo and I could always talk for hours on end about life, philosophy, literature or the latest fighting technique Sensei had taught us. The two of us probably would have been too serious about life but thankfully that's where Mikey came in. He was the one who kept us all balanced by keeping life fun. He was always around to make sure I didn't spend too much time alone on my computer, or working in my lab. He kept Leonardo from worrying so much, and he kept Raphael laughing even in the darkest of times. Raphael always challenged me. He made sure I kept up with training with his annoying, yet affectionate Raphael like tendencies in making less than friendly comments about my abilities in the dojo. I had a tendency to sometimes lag behind the others when I become too engrossed in one of my projects. And although he would never say it, he was only looking out for me in his twisted Raphael way. My family has always meant the world to me and we were always close to one another.

Everything was going smoothly, well as smoothly as one could expect anyway, when the evilness that is puberty snuck its way into my life and had a gay old time by throwing my hormones out of whack. I was a complete socially awkward mess. I knew that my brothers were also experiencing changes of their own, but I'm positive that they couldn't have felt more out of place than I did. Unfortunately that wasn't even close to being the worst part of the situation. To my own absolute horror I discovered that every time I was around Raphael for more than a few minutes, I would get an erection that hurt like crazy from the strain of it pressing on the inside of my plastron. Needless to say I spent a lot of time running to the bathroom during that period of my life. Poor Mikey thought I was bulimic.

Well I spent so much time worrying about when my body was going to react, that I didn't put much thought into why it was doing so. It wasn't until I gained some control over my hormonal reactions when I looked at the situation more objectively and realized that I was noticing my hot headed brother in a way that I hadn't thought of before. I found myself becoming more and more drawn to him. Every day we were becoming closer and each time we talked or laughed together I felt my pulse race a little faster, my heart beat a little stronger and my face flush a little brighter, until I knew that I couldn't deny it to myself any longer. I was having wrong feelings about my brother who had also become my best friend.

Out of my own curiosity I knew that I had to learn more about what was happening to me, and what better way to do that than with research. Only I didn't like the things I learned because all the literature I read indicated how wrong incest was. I felt dirty and I knew something had to have been wrong with me. I knew deep down we probably weren't blood brothers, but it didn't make me feel any better. We had grown up as brothers and those bonds were already strong between all of us.

When I was 14, I made a vow to myself that I would never breathe a word of my feelings to anyone because I was so afraid of what would happen if anyone found out. I wouldn't even allow myself to dwell on the consequences because I knew that I had to push it all out of my mind and forget everything. Thus I began the process of pushing Raphael away, severing the bonds of our friendship. It worked like a charm. I still remember the look of pure hurt and confusion on his face in his last attempt to coax me out of the lair and head topside to hang out. I snapped at him and told him to get lost, and that I had more important things to worry about then to go out on one of his silly little runs through the city. I turned my back on him, went into my room, locked the door and cried silently into my pillow for the rest of the night. Jeez I can be such a drama queen.

After that, Raphael never bothered me again. He rarely if ever asked me if I wanted to hang out and never made any effort to be alone with me whatsoever. After that night he didn't even act bitter or angry towards me, he was perfectly civil. I had already wounded his pride way too much and he wouldn't give me the satisfaction of letting me know how much I hurt him.

Of course we were still brothers and he would tease me on occasion, and he always had my back when we were in battle but really, that was the extent of our relationship. I made my bed and I was determined to lay in it. It actually worked...for about a week, then I began to suffer some serious Raphael withdrawal. It. Was. Awful. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, and couldn't think straight because I was completely in love. Well, you know the cliché, because it happened to me big time. I guess that after awhile I got over the worst part of it. It's not so hard now, although I still hate myself for hurting him, and I really miss the closeness of our friendship. However, when I'm not occupied by one of my projects or fighting off the latest baddie in town, I'm thinking lustful or sometimes corny thoughts about Raphael and then feeling embarrassed afterward for allowing such things to enter my mind. It's a vicious cycle.

The worst part of it all is that I've been tormented by these thoughts for 5 damn years now. I'm nineteen years old and still haven't gotten over it. I even tried really hard to develop a crush on April in an attempt to move on. I almost had myself convinced that I wanted her after we spent a day alone hanging out in her apartment, just talking and laughing with her whilst I made mental notes of all the things I liked about her. Well I thought it was working until Raphael dropped by April's place that evening after his exercise run all panting, sweaty and sexy. Damn him for being so irresistible. Needless to say, I gave up on the April crush idea after that. I knew I was kidding myself because clearly Raphael was and always would be the one for me. The only question now was how to go about dealing with my issue, because I was at a complete loss with no one to go to and ask advice from.

* * *

Fall came early this year. We barely had a chance to enjoy the summer sun because of all the rainy weather and thunder showers that plagued most days. I sighed as I slumped further down into the sofa. Tensions amongst everyone in the lair, including Master Splinter usually rose significantly during the winter months due to the cold weather keeping us mostly confined to the lair, and unfortunately it looked like winter would be setting in early this year.

Feeling a large yawn coming on, I swung my feet around so that I was stretched out comfortably. As I watched the mindless television droning on, I felt my eyelids drooping slowly until I was in the early stages of sleep when I felt someone lifting my feet. Cracking one eye open in annoyance I saw that it was Raphael. He lifted my feet and settled himself on the other end of the couch and laid my feet back down on his firm, muscular legs. I closed my eye again and felt the corner of my mouth twitch as I savoured the feeling of my skin resting against his, even though it was only the foot part of me, it was still giving me much more pleasure than what would be considered to be normal. I didn't care. All that mattered was that I could feel every twitch and flex of muscle beneath his burning skin. Gah! This was turning me on far too easily. That's okay, I realized I just needed to think unsexy thoughts. Master Splinter picking fleas out of his fur, Mikey using Leo's katana to scrape at the plantar wart on his foot, the time I caught Casey waxing his own back. I shuddered at the memories that were forever burned into my head. At least it worked for now anyway as I felt the pressure lessen under my plastron.

I groaned inwardly at my lack of self control over my body. Raphael was much to close to me right now, and I knew it wouldn't be long until I lost control once again so it was time to get out of there. Slowly I opened my eyes, letting them linger for a moment on Raphael, before swinging my feet off of my brother and pulling myself into a sitting position.

"Hey brainiac" Raphael said with a quick glance my way "did I wake ya up?"

"Uh no" I replied as I lightly rubbed at my lower plastron without realizing it "I was just dozing a bit." _'Okay a topic change is in order'_ I thought as I realized I was all but stroking myself.

"Are you heading to April's tonight with Leo, Mike and I? We're watching a movie" I asked as I mentally struggled for a topic of conversation.

Raphael shrugged uninterestedly "I suppose. Got nothin' better to do"

"We're going over around 8:00" I informed him even though he didn't ask. I sighed inwardly thinking of how stiff and formal our conversations always turn out to be.

Raphael glanced at me with that questioning look in his eye that was always reserved for my benefit. He always looked at me like I was a mystery he couldn't quite figure out. If only he knew...

"Yeah I figured that much" he replied without his usual sarcasm.

I sat awkwardly for a moment not sure what else to say, so I did what I always do in this situation, I bailed by getting up and leaving the room. It was frustrating for me to be alone with Raphael. When other family members were around I was always much more at ease, and able to communicate like a normal person with Raphael, but as soon as we were alone I always managed to clam up somehow, and then run away.

I stepped into my lab, and softly shut the door behind me. I sat at my desk and absentmindedly picked up Raphael's broken shellcell. I realized that my mind must have drifted off as I looked the shellcell over, because I almost let out a scream worthy of one of Mikey's, at forceful knock on my door.

"Come in" I called out, glancing up. To my slight shock, it was Raphael who stepped through the door looking quite irritated. No scratch that, he looked down right pissed off.

"Is something wrong?" I asked stupidly.

Raphael glared at me for a moment as he seemed to search for the proper words "I don't know Donnie" he growled slowly "I was kinda thinkin' you would tell me what was wrong"

I felt a slight jolt of shock at this. I didn't exactly do anything differently than I ever had, so I hadn't expected him to react. The lack of preparation for this type of situation left me unable to reply in the proper manner. "I'm not sure what you're talking about Raph. Nothing's wrong"

"Don't give me that shit." Raphael growled "You're a real dick, ya know that? I know that you don't like me very much, you've made that pretty clear, but why the hell do you always run away from me like I got the fuckin' plague or somethin'? What is it about me that offends you so damn much?"

I sat like an idiot with my mouth hanging open. My brain betrayed me at that moment, as I was unable to think of a reply. Silence hung in the air and Raphael stood as still and strong as a statue of a Greek god, glaring down on me as he waited.

_'Say something damn it!'_ I thought to myself as my mouth opened and closed a few times. Silence continued to stretch as I sat blankly _'Okay brainiac any words at this point will be more helpful than this painful silence' I_ screamed inwardly trying to kick start my brain. _'Say. Some. Words!'_

"Uh" I grunted. "I like you" I finally answered dumbly. _'Ah shell'_

"Fuck this" Raphael snapped as he turned and stormed off.

I sighed out loud at the empty doorway realizing more than ever how badly I had screwed everything up.

* * *

_Raphael_

I stormed out of Donatello's room and into my own where I headed straight for my punching bag to vent some of my frustrations. That dipshit really pissed me off tonight. Seriously, that was the last straw. I've been putting up with his holier-than-thou act for a long time now. I've never really told him before how much his snobbery towards me pisses me off because I didn't want him to know how much it bothered me. I can't even watch television in peace with him before he gets all tense around me then fucks off. I've been trying for the last few years to figure Donatello out and why he apparently can't stand me. _'Maybe I'm not smart enough for him. Maybe he's afraid of me. I don't fuckin know...'_ I thought bitterly.

I found it hard to believe how close we use to be, best friends even, then he suddenly decided his shit smelled better than mine and couldn't stand to be around me anymore. That really hurt. I know it sounds corny but I felt a sort of connection with him that I didn't feel with my other brothers. I could seriously shoot myself for thinking that, but it's true.

I continued punching away for awhile letting my anger drain away slowly. For me this is one of the most relaxing things in the world. The steady sound of my fist pounding against the worn leather, the dull creak of the chains, grinding together from the rocking motion is all I hear after awhile. I know that my family thinks that I wail on this thing to keep myself from hurting one of them, but that's really not true. Not completely true anyway. To me this is kind of like meditation without twisting myself into a fucking pretzel like retard Leonardo.

After I wore myself out, I had a quick shower then got ready. I wasn't much in the mood for going anywhere with Donatello around knowing that he would be shooting worried looks at me for the rest of the evening, but I didn't feel like sitting around here either.

Master Splinter decided to join us, and soon we were headed out the door with Donnie, as predicted, giving me worried looks. I retaliated with shooting him glares. I know it was childish, but honestly? I didn't give a shit. I walked ahead of everyone in silence as Mike and Leo argued good naturedly about something stupid, while Don hung back further with Master Splinter. After a few minutes we arrived at April's. Casey was in the living room sprawled out on the sofa taking up most of the space like an idiot. I rolled my eyes, walked over and shoved him over to make room. "Move over ya big ape" I ordered with a half grin.

Casey grunted in response "Pushy turtle" he muttered "Did ya at least bring me a beer?" he asked eyeing the cold refreshment in my hands.

"Get your own you lazy bum. I ain't your servant."

Casey glanced toward the kitchen, and in his politest voice he called out to April "April sweetie? When you come in here, would you mind bringing me a beer from the refrigerator?"

"Yeah, yeah" April called back.

"Thank you" Casey replied.

"Jeez you're such a suck up Case. That's just sad." I said trying to hold back my laughter.

"What ever works pal" Casey replied with a grin.

A moment later Master Splinter, Leo, Mike and April joined us in the living room and started the movie. I was just getting comfortable when Donnie came in and sat in the chair furthest away from me. I sat there for the next half hour trying to pretend I didn't notice the stupid little glances he kept giving me, all the while getting more and more pissed off until I had enough and decided to call it an early night. I said good night to everyone and soon found myself running from roof top to roof top trying to clear my head.

As I was running I heard a man shouting nearby. My instincts told me I had better check the situation out, so I made my way along until I came to a roof top overlooking a dimly lit alley below. I hid in the shadows as I saw a young man around my age surrounded by three Purple Dragons. Big surprise. Oh well, I figured that kicking the shit out of some Purple Dragons ought to salvage the night somewhat.

Silently I made my way down to ground level, and stayed hidden behind a dumpster a good twenty feet away from the Purple scum. Just as I was about to make my move, I heard something moving quietly behind me. Drawing my sai as quick as a flash I turned to face none other than my beloved brother Donatello.

"What the fuck are you doing? I hissed silently as Don crouched beside me.

"I came to find you, and apologize for acting like an ass, then I saw you come down here, so I followed" Don whispered back.

"Go back to your little movie Don. I'm not in the mood" I almost said too loudly.

"Please Raphie, let's just take care of this and then talk" he pleaded quietly.

"There's nothing' to talk about. We finish this, I go home, and you go back to April's. End of story" I hissed lowly.

Turning my attention back to the Purple Dragons, we waited for all three, plus the victim, to face the opposite direction. Once they had turned, Donnie and I sprang into action quickly taking the three of them out before any of them knew what hit them. The guy they were holding up was knocked to the ground during the rescue, and was currently unconscious.

Donatello turned towards me fidgeting nervously "Look Raphie I know that I haven't been the best brother to you..."

"You think?" I interrupted "So nice of you to finally get your head out of your ass and acknowledge that" I said sarcastically.

"I know you don't like me, but I'm tired of caring about it" Shit why did I say that? Now he's gonna feel bad for me and think I want his damn attention.

Donatello hung his head in shame "There's nothing wrong with you Raph. You've always been the best brother I could have asked for." His voice got quieter "And the best friend. I just..." Don stopped short and froze at the same moment I did, as we both heard the unmistakable sound of a gun cocking.

Sai's in hand, I turned just in time to the victim we had just rescued shaking like a leaf pointing a gun he had gotten off one of the Purple Dragons at me and Donatello. Great. Just. Fucking. Great.

Slowly I lowered my weapons, but didn't put them away hoping the guy would get the message that we weren't about to hurt him. "Hey look, we aren't here to hurt you. We helped you. Please just put the gun down and we'll leave" I said as calmly as I could muster.

"What the fuck are you freaks?" the guy screamed waving the gun around unsteadily.

"Look sir, we mean you no harm" Donatello replied softly "We're going to leave you here, and we won't bother you"

"Shut up! Shut the fuck up!" he screamed again. Then he got that look in his eye. The look of pure rage, fear and determination, and I knew at that moment that no matter what we said or did, he was about to pull that trigger. Without a moment to spare, without a thought, I turned towards my brother and pushed him back out of the way with every ounce of strength I could muster, and at the same moment I head the thundering crack of the gun firing.

Donatello flew back against the wall where I had pushed him, and I heard the gun click again, but it didn't fire this time. The little fucker ran out of bullets. Good for me, bad for him. I ran up to the guy and kicked the gun out of his hand before he could do any damage. That's when I felt it. The pain that seared through my side was enough to bring me to my knees. I doubled over unable to stop the guy from running and with a short gasp, I tried to catch my breath, but it seemed like an impossible feat. I raised a shaky hand to touch my side where the pain seemed to be radiating from. I pulled my hand up to my face and with a great shock; I found my hand covered in my own blood.

"Donnie" I whispered "Donnie" I called louder and more urgently "Donnie" I hollered my voice cracking with emotion I never knew I had.

Donatello rushed to my aide, and once he saw the bullet wound in my side he look like he was going to lose it for about two seconds before he became all business and went to work trying to stop the blood flow. I could feel my heart pounding fearfully, and the blood rushing though my ears. Once I realized how rapidly I was growing weak, I couldn't help but wonder how many more beats my heart would have before it stopped permanently.

What a fucking way to go. I always figured I would probably die young, but somehow I thought I would go out in battle defending my family. I thought I would die with honour, not shot down by some fuck that I rescued. A small bitter laugh escaped from my mouth causing a strange tickle in my throat. I coughed and felt something wet trickle down my chin. I wipe it with the back of my hand to see a glistening red streak left behind. I started to shake as fear really began to set in. I must have been losing blood fast, because I was now too weak to even hold my head up. My heart had slowed to a dangerously low pace, so I laid back and stared at the night sky wishing that I could see the stars through the blinding brightness of the city lights.

I've always loved the night sky, and that was the only thing I hated about living in the city. In fact some of the times I cherished most with my family was in our younger days when Master Splinter would take us camping in the wilderness, and we would spend hours finding constellations in the sky.

I felt tears escaping my eyes as the burning anger in my chest grew hotter. I wasn't ready to die. A sob escaped my throat causing more blood to pour from my mouth. I turned my head so that I could watch my brother work. He had ripped off his mask to use it to stop the bleeding. It's funny that I've never noticed before how innocent Donnie looked without his mask. In those last minutes, my life didn't flash before my eyes. Instead I found myself watching Donnie work to save my life.

"Don" I said with much more effort than I would have anticipated.

"Raphie don't try and talk. Save your strength" he scolded lightly even though the fear dancing in his eyes was screaming at me.

"I don't wanna to die"

Donnie shot a glare at me. "Don't you dare give in Raphael! You're not going to die"

I turned my head away not wanting Don to see the tears now falling hot and fast from my eyes.

"Raphael look at me" Donnie now pleaded gripping my shoulders tightly and staring me in the face, his own twisted in horror.

"I'm sorry" my voice cracked barely louder than a whisper.

My heart slowed further still, and my breath grew more ragged no matter how hard I struggled to hold on, Although the anger, burning brighter than the sun, still hung on until the bitter end, a moment later my body gave up.

* * *

_Donatello_

The moment Raphael's heart stopped beating; I sprung into action and began to administer CPR. I don't know how long I kept at it before a scream of frustration ripped through my throat, and I found myself shaking Raphael violently, hoping he would snap out of it. I checked his wound and found that his blood was no longer pouring freely, and the pool that had spread around him was as still as he was. A sob lodged itself in my throat and I began to panic as my mind froze up. My only logical thought was to call my family for help. I reached for my shellcell to find I didn't have it on me tonight. I reached around Raphael to grab his when I remembered it was broken, sitting in my room waiting to be repaired.

"Oh fuck" I moaned into my hands as I sat back and leaned against the wall. My gaze hovered above Raphael, into the shadows behind the dumpster where we had sat earlier. Was that hours ago when I followed my brother and corned him so I could apologize or was it really only minutes ago? I turned my gaze to the brick wall to the right side of me where I making note of its shapes and patterns, and if I stared long enough, ghoulish faces popped out at me. I knew it was absurd, but I was in shock, and my brain was refusing to accept the reality of the situation.

I wasn't sure how long ago everything had happened, I really couldn't decide if time had moved to fast, to slow or perhaps not at all. Carefully, I lowered my gaze to Raphael, who was lying there so still. Not peacefully. The wide pool of blood. Still. Just like him. My heart thumped loudly in my throat. I stood up and paced around my brother. Reality refused to set in as I walked around and around not really having any single important thoughts. I just felt like walking. I stared up at the sky accusingly and cried out in pain as I felt wet tears fall down my face. Raphael couldn't be dead. He couldn't leave us. He couldn't leave me. My heart wrenched in pain, and I dropped to the ground on my hands and knees. I felt my stomach clench as I dry heaved beside the still form.

After a few minutes I was able to gain some control over myself. I sat back for a moment when something shiny caught the corner of my eye. I turned to see one of Raphael's fallen sai lying within mere centimeters away from the hand of an unconscious Purple Dragon, as if it no longer belonged to Raphael, and had acquired new ownership. With an angry growl in my throat, I quickly snatched the weapon, along with its twin a few feet away, and placed them back into the worn leather belt of the rightful owner.

Somewhere in the depth of the jumbled mess of my brain, something clicked upon seeing the Purple Dragon lying there, and I knew that I had to take action. Painfully, I forced myself to walk to the dumpster, hoping to find something to tie the Purple Dragons up with before they woke up and caused a real problem. I found a piece of rope, a lamp and a broken old television set, so I cut the cords free with the small knife I kept in my belt, and worked at tying the three of them up.

I walked to the manhole a few feet away and opened it. I realized I needed to get Raphael out of view fast before someone came along and saw us. With a lot of effort, I managed to lift him up enough to carry him towards the open manhole and carry him down. I was quite strong, but Raphael was the bulkiest of all of us, so getting him down without dropping him was quite difficult.

After I gently laid my brother onto the cold ground as far from the sewer water as I could get him I was sure to replace the cover of manhole in the hopes that the Purple Dragons left above on the surface wouldn't realize where we had gone if they were to wake up. I picked my fallen brother up again, and walked with purpose and determination as far as I could before my muscles screamed in frustration and I was forced to stop. Only when I laid the still form of my brother back to the ground, the brother whom I had fallen in love with, did I really let the tears fall. I sobbed loudly not caring anymore if there was a manhole nearby where someone above would hear me. Pain ripped through my chest deep into my soul, and all I could think of was how I wished I was dead too.

"Fuck" I screamed as loud as I could through the tears and the anger as it dawned on me that the bullet probably would have hit me if Raphael hadn't tried once again to be the protector and shoved me out of the way. I momentarily wanted to hit him for being so damn stupid. Why did he do that? I would have moved out of the way in time right? Then wouldn't we be both alive and well, walking home together slightly shaken but laughing about it anyway? Why did he always have to jump in front of me in the face of danger? The idiot would have done a graceful swan dive in front of a speeding train if he thought he somehow would be protecting his family. And now look where it left him. Dead. Fucking dead! So where did that leave me? Where would it leave Leo, or Mikey, or Master Splinter? Where would it leave Casey or April?

My gaze was unwillingly drawn back to the form of my still brother. I couldn't help but notice that the deep shade of red blood that spilled from his mouth was nearly the exact shade of his mask. I had always thought of his red mask representing a hot raging fire, alive and passionate. That was gone now, and in its place, his mask would hold for me the representation of death and destruction. Of someone who was once so full of life and pure energy was now a drained lifeless form. Although I knew the science behind it, I now realized I didn't understand the logic. Red. Blood. In my mind it was now one in the same, yet it was the lack of it in my brother's system that inevitably ripped the soul from his body.

Before this evening I had never gotten how truly fragile life was. There had always been a large enough gap between life and death to leave me feeling fairly comfortable. Even the first time I had taken a human life, and had grieved over it, I never got the true nature of life and death, but now I did. Life was always at the edge of the cliff ignoring the dangers that threatened to push it over the side. I found it strange that in my line of work, where if I am forced to take a life if necessary, I never really got it, so I wondered if Raphael had understood it better than me. Did Leonardo get it? Did Mikey get it? What about Master Splinter. Did he get it? Probably.

I began to shiver, almost violently. I've spent my life in the sewers, so it didn't take much to realize it wasn't the coldness on the outside that was getting to me. It was the coldness on the inside. I wondered if it was permanent. It sure felt permanent.

I stood up as I continued to quiver, I needed to get Raphael home. I picked up my brother once again, and continued on the path that I knew well enough I could have done it with my eyes closed which was a blessing considering I wasn't thinking clearly enough to concentrate on which direction I was heading in.

Soon there I stood, in front of the door that led to our home, face against the door enjoying the cold steel. How easy it would be right now to simply run away. I could take Raphael somewhere to a secret location and give him a proper burial and after I could disappear to a remote location where I would never be found, allowing my family to never learn the horrible truth, and giving them at least the faintest hope that both Raphael and myself were alive and at least together somewhere.

I knew in my mind that I could never do such a thing to my family, but the thought of seeing their faces turn from happiness to the utter horror and grief I knew would be reflected in my own face after seeing the body of their fallen brother was overwhelming and more than I could handle.

My stomach clenched as I released the hatch to the doorway, and the door effortlessly swung open.

I was greeted by darkness and silence. They were still gone which left me feeling as relieved as it did upset. How much longer would I have before I ruined the lives of my family when they saw their dead brother?

With the last of my strength, I carried Raphael to the sofa and laid him down as gently as I could. In horror I watched as my brother's head lolled sideways off of the sofa in an uncomfortable looking position. Immediately I came to his aid, and propped him back into a more comfortable position with pillows carefully placed under his head. It then dawned on me that he was probably cold, so I grabbed the blanket draped over the back of the sofa and covered Raphael up, carefully tucking him in with the blanket snuggled up under his chin. I sat at the other end of the sofa, this time with his feet propped up on my legs. He still didn't look peaceful.


	2. feel the pain

A/N: There are a couple things that I want to clarify before anyone reads this chapter. There are two flashbacks in this chapter, the first one, which is 5 years ago is just purely for background, and the second flashback with is 2 years ago in which Donatello is remembering the past. I put the memory in italics, hoping to keep it from getting to confusing because the story makes a transition right after.

Also, in the 5 year flashback, Raph and Don would have been around 14 years old, and in the 2 year flashback/memory they would have been 17.

Part 2 – Feel the Pain

_Donatello_

I waited patiently with cold legs resting on top of mine. I looked sideways at Raphael, his hollow eyes staring back at me unmoving. Accusing me of something I couldn't quite put my finger on. For quite some time, I found myself staring back at him. I leaned closer to his face as I examined his eyes. I had never gotten the chance to study them in the past, now I found myself wondering what message he wanted to convey to me with the accusations.

My breath hitched slightly as I realized I had never noticed how beautiful his eyes were. I looked closely into the depths and I saw the tiniest flecks of gold hidden in the sea of dark brown. Maybe that is why his eyes always appeared as though they were flashing when something sparked at his fiery, passionate soul. However, the lights overhead now reflecting in them reinforced the flatness they now held, giving them the bright, hard empty look of a porcelain doll.

I suddenly realized why he was glaring at me. He died saving my life, and I couldn't help him. I let him die, and I let the person who shot him down escape. In fact he wouldn't have left April's apartment in the first place if I hadn't made him angry from my own stupid, pointless avoidance of him. It was my entirely my fault, and that realization brought a sharp, stabbing pain to my heart.

Something clicked in my mind as I realized that there was something I could do to bring peace to my fallen brother. I could hunt down the one who did this to him, and avenge him.

I turned away hoping to ignore the empty stare, but it didn't work. I could feel my heart beginning to pound, my pulse quickened, and soon I found myself struggling to breathe steady. Once again I leaned across Raphael and gently tilted his head in a different direction, letting my fingers linger on his skin momentarily.

My breath caught in my throat at his coldness. Fire and energy was extinguished. Icy cold.

I sat in silence for awhile when I heard the unmistakable sounds of the front door opening. I almost threw up at that moment. My head began to throb and dread filled my entire soul.

The laughter of my two brothers filled the lair along with the tapping sound of my father's walking stick. I tried to get to my feet, but I felt as though I suddenly gained two hundred pounds, the weight was crushing down on me. I was as frozen solid and still as Raphael.

"Hey Donnie" Michelangelo greeted as he walked around to the front of the sofa. "Jeez what's up with you? You look awful dude."

My mouth opened, but no words came out. He didn't realize that Raphael way lying dead on the sofa not more than 5 feet away from him.

"Mikey…" I whispered.

"Hey move your fat shell over" Michelangelo said as he lightly nudged Raphael.

"Oh god Mikey no" I whispered again as I began to shake violently.

"Michelangelo stop it!" I hollered when he ignored me.

Michelangelo jumped back in surprise and stared at me as the tears began to spill down my face once again. I leaned forward and griped my head as I began rocking myself back and forth.

"Donnie?" he asked quietly.

"He…he" I took a shaky breath "He's dead Mike"

When no reply came, I forced myself to look at Michelangelo. At first he looked confused as to what was happening. In almost morbid fascination, I watched as Michelangelo went through the steps of the realization a loved one had been taken away from him. He eyes widened as the pieces started to fall into place. The colour almost seemed to drain from his skin as his bottom lip began to tremble. Then it came, a wail of agony so painful, so terrified and alone, it was inhuman. I watched helplessly as Michelangelo dropped to his knees and fell face forward into his hands.

"Mikey!" Leonardo called rushing to the aid of his brother, followed by Sensei. "What's wrong?"

Michelangelo pushed Leonardo's grip off of his shoulders and pointed a shaking finger at Raphael.

"Dead" was the whispered reply that came from his mouth.

I watched, helplessly detached through my fogged vision as the horror of the situation had its full impact on Leonardo and Master Splinter.

The pounding in my ears grew loud making it difficult to hear what was being said. I watched quietly with cold legs still resting on mine as Leonardo quickly went to work checking Raphael's vitals in a vain attempt to grasp some understanding of the situation around him.

"Was shot" I mumbled as I pulled down on the blanket, exposing the bloody mess on his side that contrasted almost beautifully with his emerald skin.

Leonardo cried out in pain, as it dawned on him what had happened. In a fit of rage that was so unlike his usual unbreakably calm exterior, he turned to the coffee table and flipped it sending it crashing into the wall where it shattered into splinters. In a flash he was out of my line of sight, but through the pounding in my ears, I could hear the utter rage and sorrow my brother was experiencing as he began trashing everything in sight in a manner not unlike how Raphael would have reacted.

Master Splinter fell silently to one knee beside the form of his deceased son. I watched my father break for the first time in my life as the tears of sorrow and anger dampened the fur around his large dark eyes. With his twisted arthritic hand he reached forward and in a gentle touch filled with love and tenderness, he lightly caressed Raphael's cheek. As if in slow motion, I continued to watch as Master Splinter carefully leaned in, his fallen tears forming rivers on Raphael's arms and chest, and whispered gently into his ear, imparting his final words of encouragement, love and wisdom.

Fresh tears sprung to my eyes burning hotly as they rapidly spilled down my face. I turned away unable to watch the heart wrenching scene of my father saying his final goodbye any longer.

My light-hearted brother was now curled up on the floor in the fetal position, as sobs racked his trembling body. I wanted to comfort him, but I didn't know how. I wanted to say something to take away the hurt, but I didn't know what. So there I sat uselessly, as my family came crumbling down, as our happy home was shattered and fate had its own way. We were now merely puppets on strings, and all our training and weapons were useless against the invisible puppet master.

After that everything was a blur. Shapes moved about, background noises reached my ears, but only translated as the irritating buzz of white noise. I hadn't noticed that Raphael had apparently been moved, and was now gone, until I broke out of the trance. I looked around and my silent brother was no longer lying beside me with his cold weight pressing down on me. I couldn't help but think how weird it was that he was moved without my noticing.

I looked around and found that I was sitting in the room alone. Dull light spilled out from under Master Splinter's door, but for the most part, the lair was dark. Somehow I found the strength inside to pull myself up. I walked past his room hearing the muffled sobs of Michelangelo and Casey as April spoke lowly with Master Splinter. I wondered when Casey and April had arrived. I paused momentarily wondering if I should go in and thank them for coming; however I had no interest in trying to engage in any sort of conversation, so I dragged myself towards my room.

On the way, I stopped up as I looked into the makeshift infirmary we had set up to treat injury's we sustained from battles. On the cold steel table we had salvaged from the dump last year, Raphael had been carefully laid on his back, with pillows propped under his legs and head to compensate for the roundness of his shell. He was stripped of his gear, mask and weapons, leaving him essentially naked and vulnerable looking.

On a small wooden table beside him, the weak light from an old lamp at the end of its life, bathed Raphael in its warm glow. Strangely, it almost made him seem healthy and angelic like, even with the mutilated hole in his side, now crusted in dry blood. It was absurd to think of my masculine, hot-headed brother as looking angelic. The thought of him ever hearing me say something like that almost drove me into hysterical laughter.

I gripped the doorway to keep myself steady for a moment. Taking a deep breath, I let go, and inched forward, all the while keeping my eyes locked on Raphael. As I reached my destination, I waited hopeful, with my breath caught in my throat, for Raphael to turn his head and speak to me. When nothing came, I reached over to flick the treacherous lamp off, not wanting to be fooled any longer into thinking he was going to be okay. Without the light, he didn't look angelic anymore. In the few hours since his death, his skin had turned almost ashen, and his dark eyes, specked in gold, almost seemed to be sinking lower into his head.

I lowered my head to rest on the hard chest plates of his plastron, trying to take some comfort in my brother. With fresh tears dropping onto my brother's chest, I took the opportunity to trace along the ridges of old battle scars Raphael had obtained over the years. We all had some, but Raphael was covered in them. It was a testament to his willingness to always throw himself into the heart of every battle. The scars were difficult to notice unless you got close enough to see them. In the past I always had to force myself to resist the urge to touch the healed bits of skin, but now I let my hands roam freely in an almost sickening sort of glee, making note of each one, trying to remember what scars had resulted from which fights.

I was suddenly struck with the incredible urge to confess the truth to him. I wanted him to know everything. How I had fallen in love with him, why I pushed him away and how sorry I was for hurting him. I bit down on my tongue though. It wasn't the right time or place. I resolved to myself that I would tell him at the farmhouse under his favourite weeping willow tree, where he would go to his final resting place.

I picked myself up, and leaned forward to press a gentle kiss on Raphael's forehead. I turned and walked out of the room and went into my own and collapsed onto my bed in utter exhaustion. I had no idea what time it was now. Possibly early in the morning, but I didn't care. I just wanted to fall asleep and wake up to find that this had all been a horrible dream and in the morning, Raphael would be in his room, stubbornly clinging to his bed in protest of getting up for morning practice.

I knew that would never happen though. Our team would never be able to function properly again, that is if it would ever gain the ability to function at all. I didn't really care anymore. It was all meaningless now. All the teachings we learned from childhood meant nothing. My scientific experiments and research I devoted myself to would go untouched until I could bring the peace to my brother that I swore on my honour I would give him.

I curled into myself, shivering, but not from the coldness of the lair. As I closed my eyes, I prayed for sleep that I knew wouldn't come.

* * *

*5 Years Earlier*

_Raphael_

_Nervously, I picked at the red leather bindings wrapped delicately around the handles of the new set of sai Master Splinter had given me for Christmas. I paced around my room wondering if I should risk asking Donnie to come with me topside. These past few weeks he seemed almost mad at me. All of the sudden it was as if he had decided I wasn't good enough to hang out with anymore. What had I done to make him so mad at me? I teased him sometimes about his experiments, and a while back, I did accidentally break his computer monitor._

_Taking a deep breath, I moved out of my room towards his and knocked on his door, angry at myself for the sudden nervousness I felt creeping up into my belly._

_"Yo Donnie what's up?" I said forcing myself to sound as casual as possible._

_He opened the door and frowned slightly, and dropped his gaze so he wasn't quite meeting my eyes. "What is it Raph?" he asked flatly._

_I felt my stomach drop._

_"I was just wonderin' if you wanted to come with me outside for awhile? You know, just blow off some steam or somethin'."_

_"Raph" Donatello said "I told you I would be busy today, I'm trying to make those cellular phones for us"_

_I wrinkled my nose and rolled my eyes "Don't be stupid Donnie, you need to get out once in awhile. You can't keep yourself locked up in this lab all the time, it ain't good for ya."_

_"Not right now Raph, I don't have time." Don said impatiently as he tried to close the door on me._

_I put my foot out to immediately stop the door. He wasn't getting rid of me that easy. "Come on brainiac" I said teasingly "you're comin' with me"_

_I grabbed at his arm and tried to pull him out of his room when he yanked back hard at glared at me._

_"I said no Raphael!" Don snapped at me. "Would you please get lost and stop bothering me? I have more important things to worry about than going on one of your silly little runs!"_

_I stood frozen solid as I watched Donnie turned on me and slam his bedroom door in my face. His words of anger still rung in my ears and burned me on the inside. Sadness and anger threatened to overwhelm me as I turned and stormed out of the lair and deep into the sewers._

_Once I was far enough away, and knew I was alone, I hunched down onto the ground and let the tears fall from my eyes as I resolved to never be a bother to Donatello again._

_

* * *

_

*Present day*

_Donatello_

In a dull haze, I stared at the red numbers on my clock, watching as each minute ticked by, much too fast for my liking. I laid there wondering if I should bother to get out of bed or not. I assumed the others were probably up by now. I couldn't sleep a wink last night, and by the sounds of everyone else moving about the lair last night, neither could they.

I climbed out of bed, not bothering to put on my gear or bo staff and walked out of my room towards the infirmary where Raphael was. I felt myself involuntarily slow down as I approached the open door. I didn't want to look in; I much preferred to think that Raph was in his room, or hogging the last of the cereal for breakfast. I didn't want to be reminded of what had happened.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I peered around the corner to find Raphael, still lying on the hard table, only now he was draped in a blanket. I gazed at him for a moment, lost in thought when the sound of a throat clearing made me jump.

"Sensei?" I asked quietly as I finally took notice of my father sitting on a rickety old chair in the darkened corner.

"Did you sleep well Donatello?" He asked me in a detached monotone voice. I could tell he didn't really care if I slept well or not, but was asking only out of habit.

"No" I answered, hoping he didn't want to talk further.

"After breakfast, I would like for you to tell us everything that happened last night." It wasn't so much as a request as it was him telling me I was to open up to him whether I was ready to or not.

I nodded my head, too tired to answer, too tired to care. Instead I turned my gaze from my hardened father to my dead brother before I turned away. I walked past the living room where Casey and April were curled up together asleep on the sofa, and into the kitchen where my two brothers dwelled.

I sat down across from Leonardo, and I noticed how he looked as though he had aged 10 years over night. Normally this would have shocked me; however I realized I probably looked the same.

Michelangelo stood at the sink with his back turned to us. I could tell by the way his shoulders were trembling he was fighting back tears. I turned away and stared at my hands, but out of my peripheral vision, I could see him moving towards the cupboard where he retrieved a glass and stood back in front of the sink.

He turned on the tap, filling the silence with the unnaturally loud sound of water rushing out and beating relentlessly against the metal sink, causing me to wince slightly.

After a moment, he joined Leo and I at the table. I blinked as I realized Michelangelo was staring at me with a hard, strange look in his eyes. I looked back at him in question, not really knowing if I should say anything.

Finally he looked away, and took a drink of his water.

"Have you seen Sensei?" Leonardo finally asked, the first to break the silence that hung in the air, like a thick cloud waiting to choke the life out of us all.

"Uh yeah, he was sitting in the infirmary a few minutes ago."

He said nothing more. Instead, the moments stretched into a quiet eternity and none of us cared if we ever spoke again.

It wasn't until several minutes later when Casey and April emerged into the kitchen, followed by Splinter.

April glanced around looking as though she didn't know what to do at the moment, so she moved over the refrigerator and opened it, searching for some food to prepare. "Okay guys" She said a forced lightness in her voice that was an odd contrast to her puffy red eyes. "What would you like to eat for breakfast?"

When no one bothered to answer her, she sighed sadly, and dug out a pack of bacon and eggs to fry up, with Casey giving her a hand.

Once we had all eaten what little food we could keep down, I felt a nervous clench in my stomach, as I knew that I was expected relieve the experience and tell everyone what had happened. No one spoke, but it was obvious by the small looks I was getting, that I was expected to speak.

I took a deep breath to help myself relax, and began to tell my family the whole story, leaving out the reason why he had left in the first place. I didn't want them asking questions about why he was angry at me, which was something I was unwilling to discuss with anyone.

After I finished talking, the silence continued to hang in the air as if I had never spoken, yet no one, not even Casey or April, looked me in the eye. Did they expect me to say more? Did they blame me, as I blamed myself, for letting Raph die?

Michelangelo broke the silence when he pushed his chair back, with a loud scrape that caused me to jump a little. I watched as he picked up his plate, with food barely touched and set it into the sink with a clatter.

"You let him get away" Michelangelo quietly whispered without turning to face his family.

I stared at the back of my brother's head wondering if I had heard him right.

"Why did you let him get away Donatello?" Mike asked a little louder, cold bitterness seeping into his voice.

I was slightly surprised to hear my light-hearted brother address me by my full name. It was on the rare occasion he called me that, however this was the first time I'd ever heard him say my name as if it there was something disgusting in his mouth.

Cold dread wrenched at my insides. I knew this was coming, I knew that Mike was the only one who would voice the opinion the others were to afraid to speak. I couldn't bring myself to answer him. Not that I didn't want to, but rather because I had nothing to say. I didn't want to sound as if was defending myself because I didn't feel as though I deserved that.

Michelangelo spun around and stalked towards me. He grabbed me by my shoulders and stared into my face. "Why? Why did this happen? Why didn't you stop the guy? He should be dead for doing this to Raph!" he cried, his eyes wild with hurt and confusion.

"Mike!" Leonardo snapped, jumping to his feet and pulling Michelangelo off of me.

Michelangelo stumbled back, and genuinely looked confused. He blinked as he looked back up at me. "I'm sorry Donnie" he whispered.

I didn't know what to say, so instead I got to my feet and grasped him in my arms giving him the hug I knew that he needed as much as I did. Mike instantly relaxed against me in a shuddered sigh, and I savoured his warmth, letting it fill the coldness that gripped at my heart.

"I'm sorry too" I whispered in his ear, low enough that he was the only one who would be able to hear me.

I turned my heard slightly and saw Leonardo leaning against the counter a couple of feet away from us. His eyes were cast downward, and his arms were folded against his plastron. I reached out and tugged gently at his arm. He glanced up at me, yet not quite meeting my gaze. His eyes were so full of loneliness and failure. I pulled him forward into Mike and I, and grasped onto him as well. It felt wonderful, as it had been the first time since our world had been turned upside down, that we took comfort in each other. For a moment, it felt like we did have the tiniest hope of healing someday.

After we broke apart, I looked up to see both Casey and April, teary eyed and gripping onto one another in support, while Master Splinter remained seated, looking at the three of us with something more tender in his gaze than I had seen over the cold hardness that had recently settled onto his features.

"My sons, Miss. O'Neil, Mr. Jones" I have something which I had never hoped I would have to discuss with any of you, but now the time has come." He squeezed his eyes shut, and tightly gripped at the top of his cane.

"Master Splinter?" Leonardo asked somewhat timidly.

"Please sit down my sons. There is an urgent matter which we must attend to."

Slowly, I pulled up a chair and sat without my eyes leaving the pained expression on my father's face.

"We must burn Raphael's body, and we will do it this afternoon." Splinter stated firmly, making it clear that there would be no room for compromise on this issue.

My eyes widened in shock, and there was a new tension that hung in the air. "But Master Splinter" I said breaking the silence "We could bury him at the farm house. Out back there's an old tree he use to like taking naps under in the summer. We could bury him there"

Master Splinter shook his head sadly. "I am sorry my son, but we cannot"

"Why not?" Leonardo shouted, surprising everyone with the outburst. I had never heard my brother speak like that against Master Splinter in my life. "Don's right, it's what he would have wanted"

Splinter's ears flattened against his skull, and something close to anger flashed in his eyes. "Leonardo!" he barked "Calm yourself!"

Leonardo looked as though he was on the verge of snapping something back at Master Splinter, but then he bit at his bottom lip, and quieted himself.

We all turned back to face Master Splinter, waiting for some kind of explanation.

"My sons" he said gently "I have known for some time that if something were to happen to any of us, we could not risk burial. We cannot take the chance that a wild animal may dig up any of our bodies, and risk our exposure to the world."

I felt as if someone threw a pail of cold water over my head. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"But Master Splinter" Michelangelo spoke up "Couldn't we just stay at the farm house for awhile and keep an eye on him, you know, just until he decomposes or whatever."

Master Splinter shook his head. "No my son, I am afraid that the best we can do, is to go back to our daily routine as soon as possible"

"Better for who?" Leonardo said quietly, once again shocking us with his new found defiance. Was he somehow channelling Raphael? "Better for you, or for us?"

"Leonardo, I understand that you are upset, however, I have lived a lot longer than you, and I have thought long and hard on what would be for the best" Master Splinter replied calmly, though there was a hard edge look of warning in his eyes.

"It's so nice that you let us in on what you've decided is 'for the best'!" Leonardo hissed before storming out of the room.

If I hadn't been so shocked at Leonardo's actions, it's possible that I may have stormed out of the room as well, seeing as how I was in complete agreement with my normally obedient brother.

"Leonardo come back here at once!" Master Splinter shouted at his retreating form. He turned back to the rest of us, his eyes flashing dangerously, warning us not to push him further.

When Leo didn't respond, Master Splinter got up and followed him out of the room, leaving the rest of us to process what had just happened.

* * *

*2 Years Earlier*

_We ran as fast as we could away from Bishop's base, area 51, as the building was on the verge of an explosion. I felt my legs give out under me, and I fell to the ground. I was still incredibly weak from the genetic mutation that I had undergone, and I couldn't find the strength to pull myself back to my feet. _

"_Donnie!" Raphael cried as he ran back to help me. He pulled me to my feet, and wrapped my arm around his neck_. _He put a supportive arm around the back of my shell, and took on most of my weight as he ran as fast as he could out of the building. _

_Once we were safe in the helicopter, Raphael gently set me down in one of the chairs, and released me. A hot burning sensation remained in all of the places his skin had been touching mine, and I was deeply craving more of his contact. _

_I moaned inwardly to myself as I realized that not even the shock of putting my system through a severe mutational alteration was enough to quench my desires, even for a few moments. Shell…_

_The rest of the ride home mostly consisted of Mikey talking a mile a minute. He asked questions and told me all about how I tried to eat his leg, effectively making me feel worse, along with Leonardo's assurances that everything would be fine, Leatherhead giving me details on the mutagen cure they had come up with, and Master Splinter forcing me to try and meditate for relaxation. The only one who remained silent, and wouldn't look me in the eye was Raphael, who was sticking unusually close to my side. _

_After we arrived home, everyone went to bed after making sure I was well fed, and comfortably tucked into bed. I knew that the next couple of weeks were going to be hard on me, and not from my recovery, but rather than the unwanted attention I would be sure to receive. _

_I waited until everyone had gone to bed before I ventured out into the lair. I didn't have anywhere in particular I wanted to go, but my mind was too restless to sleep at the moment, so I just opted to wander around. _

_I stood beside the sofa, contemplating on watching some television when a voice behind me startled me._

"_Uh Donnie, shouldn't you be in bed?"_

_I jumped as I turned to see Raphael standing right behind me. Sometimes it was annoying living in a house full of ninjas. _

"_My mind is too worked up to sleep right now" I admitted. "Thought I'd watch some TV for awhile."_

_Raphael didn't respond, in fact he looked down right upset._

"_Hey do you want watch something with me?" I asked cheerfully. "I could use the company and we could always raid Mikey's DVD collection. I think he has some of those old Samurai movies that we loved so much as kids"_

_Raphael suddenly moved forward so fast I barely had time to register what was happening. He swept me into a powerful hug, which admittedly cut off my air supply a little bit, but I didn't care. What had my heart leaping with utter joy was the fact the Raphael was hanging onto me for dear life, and didn't appear to want to let go any time soon._

"_Shell Donnie" he whispered in my ear "We almost lost you…I almost lost you"_

_And that's when I felt it, a few hot wet tears spilt onto my neck where Raphael had his face buried. My heart wrenched in sadness as all the emotions I had bottled up came pouring out, along with a few hot tears fell and mingled with Raphael's. _

_For the first time in years, I felt as though it was possible for things to go back to normal and the wall that I had built between Raphael and I would finally crumble down._

_Finally he let go and tried his damndest to look tough, and not like he'd just broke down and shed a few tears._

_I gave him light, friendly punch on the arm "What do you want to watch hot head?" I teased._

_Raphael looked slightly surprised at the remark. It had been a long time since I'd talked to him in a teasing way. "As long as it's not one of your geek films I'm up for anything brainiac" he retorted with a smirk._

"_Geek films?" I replied in mock surprise "I just don't want to watch one of your shell for brains, corny western…"_

The fire licked Raphael's flesh, scorching his body, consuming, lighting, burning. Bile rose in my throat as I fought not to throw up. Why had I insisted on being here? Master Splinter and April said that they would burn the body alone, and we could all wait back at the lair. In fact they had tried everything in their power to get me to stay at home, but I literally fought them off to the point where Master Splinter had sadly agreed to let me tag along.

His skin turned from emerald green to black, his eyes wide, raging and shinning, with his mouth opened in a silent scream. The fire rose higher, blanketing him in a cocoon wild heat. The smell of burning flesh pieced my senses, causing me to fall to my knees and empty the contents of my stomach. I vaguely felt the hands of Master Splinter and April touching my skin and my shell, and somewhere in the back of my head I could hear their voices speaking to me. It was all nonsensical gibberish. All I knew was that I had enough and I needed to get out of there immediately.

I fumbled my way along the sewers, finding my way home by instinct more than anything else. My brothers and Casey were seated in the living room and tried to talk to me, but I shook my head, emotions spinning wildly as I stumbled my way down the hall and into the bathroom. I didn't bother to shut the door, as I kneeled in front of the sink where I splashed cold water onto my face hoping to wash the stench of off of my skin.

Those images would be permanently engraved into my brain and why? Why had I insisted on being there? Did I do that out of guilt? Was it a punishment for myself?

I took a deep breath and stood up. I caught my own eye in the mirror and stared at my dull reflection. I did look like Leo, like I had aged 10 years over night. In fact I didn't even recognize the face staring back at me with wild eyes, and pasty skin. I closed my eyes tightly and then opened them again, hoping to see my normal face staring back. Instead my heart came to a stop in my chest as I spied the briefest flash of emerald and red scurry across the hallway.


End file.
